Matt D’Elia is father to two creative and talented boys in northern NJ. What holiday memories do you pass around the table with the gravy and the cranberry sauce?
Dysfunction-palooza (or Ode to Holidays Past and Things My Relatives Said)
By Matt D’Elia
Why don’t you cut my heart out with that knife?
Why don’t I stick this fork in your eye?
Why’d ya get such a big bottle for?
It’s the only anisette left at the store!
Those mushrooms made my daughter sick
No … she’s in labor … to the hospital–quick!
Where’s your uncle, the meal’s about to start?
Oh, he ran an errand … he’s at Wal-Mart
I’ll slice the meat with the electric knife …
That’s not the roast, but the hand of your wife!
Don’t let your daughter touch the TV!
Control your child dammit … do something please!
Let’s open the gifts … hey where’s your dad?
Hw went back home; now mom’s really mad!
If you’re bad Mom will lock you in the car
There you’ll stay, celebrate from afar
Dad put up the tree … but don’t let him do the lights …
Let the kids decorate?? Nah, they won’t get it right
Sorry I’m late! I brought dip for you
It’s far too late, someone give her a clue
Saw your old boyfriend, hey, no jokin’
That son-of-a-bitch, is he still in Hoboken?
We’ll take this fight to your Aunt and Uncle’s
Grandma will watch you … now don’t give her trouble
Don’t use that hand towel–it’s full of puke!
Take care of your baby … and hey, he’s not so cute
Hey! A new Walkman! Give me a hug
Wear that in the city and you’ll get mugged
Santa on a fire truck … it’s only quarter to three,
Outta the way, Nana, we gotta go see!
I lost my new lighter (we looked near and far)
Hey, silly me! I stuck it in my bra
That’s the wrong pan … oh excuse me for living
to cook the salmon … you know … for Thanksgiving
I really enjoyed hearing him read this one night at Starbucks Open Mic!
Great poem!