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Contributor Series 8: Feast and Famine, Snack-rifice

03.31.11 Posted in Contributor Series 8, words to linger on by

Contributor Series 8: Feast and Famine

By Maxwell Baumbach

I wouldn’t die for me

I’m pigeon toed
I walk funny
I can’t take me anywhere
my laugh is obnoxious
my voice is whiny
I talk too much
I talk when I don’t need to say anything at all
my temper is shorter than my last relationship
the slightest thing will ruin my day and result in a lack of sleep
that same lack of sleep gives me disgusting bags under my eyes
I’m as pale as print paper
I have all these ugly freckles
my fingers bend back too far
I let my fingernails grow out too long
most of my t-shirts are too small
my pants barely fit me
I am incessantly hugged by my baby fat
I have commitment issues but only when it comes to dieting
my torso is disproportional to my legs
I have clown feet
my big toe is enormous
I have bushy eyebrows

I look like I’m 6 years old if I don’t have facial hair

but if I try to grow a full beard the mustache part looks nasty

I’m scatterbrained

that’s why I just noticed that I used “I’m” instead of “I am” in this poem

except for the baby fat line

but that was done for emphatic effect

my neck is really long so I tilt my head down to compensate

I don’t shower every day

my teeth have gaps in between them

I get terrible morning breath even after a nap

my hair looks stupid no matter what I do with it

my jokes offend people

I test the waters when there is a thermometer next to me

If I had studied science as much as I watched wrestling

I would be on the moon right now

none of my hobbies are worthwhile

I give most of my effort to menial tasks

I’m forgetful

I’m not creative enough to come up with any more self-criticisms

I wouldn’t die for me

but it’s okay

when death’s grimy teeth


their sun colored smile

at you 


the realization


that you are merely

an early afternoon snack

for its barbed wire jaws


I wouldn’t die for you


Maxwell Baumbach’s poem 1950s Romance appeared at vox poetica in February 2011.

3 Responses to “Contributor Series 8: Feast and Famine, Snack-rifice”

  1. Wow! I’m exhausted. Poor thing. I loved-
    I am incessantly hugged by my baby fat.

    Then you gave us two poems. The last 13 lines. 🙂

  2. bobbie troy says:

    Wow, I like this. Very clever.

  3. Thanks to both of you! This is a piece that means a lot to me.

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